I’m in a funk. It comes and goes this time of year. It has a lot to do with the material society we have developed and my desire to not be a part of it. It is this desire which causes difficulty secondary to a struggle with my value system. My value system tells me it is the material things which I do not want/need vs. the struggle which I have as the majority of people I run into everyday are materially focused.
This funk I’m in also has a lot to do with the singularity with which so many go about their daily lives with no apparent concern for each other. This is especially evident in our driving habits. Yesterday it go pretty bad. I woke, went to the gym and was pretty happy with my workout despite the fact that my Saturday run caused a return of the pain in my groin. It is this same pain which has caused me to stop running over one month ago. I acknowledged my desire to step on the treadmill and reassess the continued pain in my groin. A few more minutes on the elliptical, and I decided not to test the groin muscle until next week. The weather has been fantastic for this time of year. It’s January 3rd and we still remain snow free. It has been difficult watching other runners and reading about their running conquests and progression. Seeing these runners enjoying the unseasonably warm temperatures and running without concern of slipping into oncoming traffic very difficult.
After a quick shower and breakfast, Jack and I went for a ride. I needed office supplies and gas for the car. We were about to swing in the general direction of one of my favorite parks in which to run and when I don’t run, to walk with Jack. Nancy called and asked me about doing some grocery shopping with her. I said yes but there must have been something in my voice which caused Nancy to question my desire. I had a headache, a tooth which will need a new filling has just begun to remind me of the need to contact the dentist. The lack of dental insurance weighed heavily on me as the holidays have just passed and we needed to replace our furnace and dishwasher. This Spring the garage door will need to be replaced, our 22 y.o. carpets need to be replaced and we would love to go on our first vacation since 2004 for our 25th wedding anniversary. My sales tax for 2011 is due and my blog has been down for the past two weeks. I just felt like everything had hit me at the same time. I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to read, I couldn’t run and I didn’t want to simply sit and watch TV. I went shopping with Nancy and felt much better…until we arrived home and the same feelings gripped me once again. I took a quick nap which didn’t alleviate what I was feeling. I woke feeling the same as I did when I tried to fall asleep.
Nancy went to the casino with her mom, Marissa was in her apartment and Stephen had gone to work. Jack and I were the only two left in the house. I sat on my recliner and looked in his direction. He was curled like a ball on the couch. He must have been feeling what I was feeling because I saw him looking at me. He rose, stretched, walked over to where I was sitting and jumped into my lap. He leaned his head on my chest and looked up at me. The funky feeling I had been experiencing was washed away within seconds. I knew when he left his perch the feeling would return. I was happy Nancy was gone for the night because I didn’t even want to talk about anything. I walked upstairs to our bedroom and stood in the doorway. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular. It’s like looking inside the fridge for the umpteenth time still waiting for something to appear. My eyes searched our room and I spotted my meditation cushion. I knew then what I needed to do. I grabbed my timer and sat for 20-minutes. The time spent on my cushion was heavenly. The solitude which I experienced for much of the remainder of the day was well worth the minimal effort which I needed to expend to meditate.
After completing my meditation session, I dressed for the outdoors and reached for Jack’s leash. We stepped outside to go for a walk. The crisp air bit at my nose. It had begun to snow. We both stood in front of the house taking in the silence, the snow and the sun as it began to dip below the horizon. As I looked toward the West a small smile crossed my face as I witnessed the last vestiges of sunlight leaving this side of the world. At that time it became clear everything would be alright.